My Story by Jonathan Levinson
by Kordy
Summary: --Complete-- I know I can't take back the things I've done, and Willow may never forgive me, but maybe if you hear my side, you can understand why I've done the things I've done.
1. Meeting Buffy

So here it is. My last will and testament or whatever. Okay, so I don't really have any possessions to leave, I did run out of Sunnydale in kind of a hurry, but I feel like I at least owe everyone an explanation. I know it won't make up for what I did, but I want everyone, especially Willow, to know how sorry I am. I know it will never be enough, but maybe it'll help a little. Andrew is snoring in the cot across the room. He finally fell asleep about an hour ago, and now he's tossing and turning, probably having the dream again. I have the dream, well, nightmare, every night now, and I'm becoming resigned to the fact that we have to return to Sunnydale, even if it means our gruesome deaths. Hopefully I can talk to Buffy before that happens. If I could just explain what I think is going on, maybe I could join her and get myself out of the dark side. I'm sick of being a Storm Trooper. I always forgot that they never won. And Darth always used them as a shield. Speaking of Warren, I still can't believe he's dead. It's more impossible for me to believe that Willow killed him. Willow was always my friend. She was always happy and nice and, well, Willow-like. Sure, she's drifted away since college, but so has everyone else. Willow was the only person I thought would always say hi to me and forgive me no matter how much I screwed up. I don't blame her, though. If I had a girlfriend and someone killed her, I'd be pretty mad too. I'm definitely not as powerful with the magic as her, but I'm sure I could think of some revenge scheme. Hmm. Andrew's mumbling something about Warren again. Every night, when he thinks I'm asleep, he talks to Warren. I think he actually sees him, and even hears him talking back. It's creepy, but, at the same time, oddly comforting. I know that Andrew was in love with Warren, and I'm cool with that. If he stays sane a little longer by chatting with his dead friend, then I'll not stop him. Where was I? Oh, yeah, explaining. Well, I guess I should go back to the beginning before I get bogged down in the present angst. What is the beginning? Well, I guess I could start with growing up in Sunnydale, or all the times I hung out with Willow and Xander and Jesse, before they became a little too cool for me. No, I think I'll start at the true beginning. Because what is a supervillain without his archnemesis?  
  
I'll start with Buffy.  
  
In a town as small as Sunnydale, new kids stick out. Of course, Buffy tends to stick out more than most. The first time I saw her she was at the Bronze, wearing one of those little dresses she used to wear. I remember thinking she was very pretty, but back in those days I tended to focus a little too much on Cordelia, so Buffy kinda slipped past my radar. I know I said something to her that first time. Knowing me, it was probably something lame, but hey, at least I talked to her. I knew that she was hanging out with Willow, but I just figured she needed to get caught up in school. Imagine my surprise when this obviously formerly popular girl decided to become friends with people who were actually nice to me. I should have known something was up with her right then.  
  
I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I never thought it would last. I heard she was trying out for cheerleader, and I thought she would make it and that would be the end of it. You can't be a cheerleader and hang out with Willow at the same time. It's just not done. Well, okay, I also heard that she saved Willow's life and that Willow would have died right along with Jesse if she hadn't been there. But I assumed that was just a rumor. It's not like Buffy was any bigger than Jesse. If Jesse couldn't fight it off, how could Buffy possibly. That was, of course, before I knew the big secret. Speaking of Jesse, it was such a shock when I heard about his disappearance. I knew something was off with him those last days before he was gone. I saw him hitting on Cordelia at the Bronze, and when she actually danced with him, well, I couldn't decide if I was proud that she would be nice to someone who almost shared my level, or if I should be mad at him for getting to be that close to her. He seemed so different then. That was right before that huge scary guy took over the club and started killing people. Which, you may think, would be a huge traumatizing story that I would focus on, but growing up in Sunnydale, well, I've seen much weirder. Hell, I've caused much weirder. But we'll get to that later. The important thing about that night was that I finally noticed how strong Buffy was. She fought that guy off and managed to save the day. I didn't see the actual fight, but I assume, based on what I know now, that she staked him with something. Everyone else seemed to be in denial about what had gone on. Cordelia thought it was a biker gang and Buffy knew them from LA. Larry said that he fought off most of them (he was actually crying in the corner the whole time). The only ones who kept quiet about it were Buffy, Willow, and Xander. And me. I knew something big was happening, I just had no idea what.  
  
I knew it also involved the new librarian, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out how. The three of them spent almost all their free time hanging out in the library with him, doing, well, I didn't exactly know. It looked to be some sort of research. With Willow involved, I'm sure it was. One time my class partner and I went in to get a book, and it was like we were interrupting some heavy discussion. A minute later, when I came back out from the stacks, they were all gone. Something was definitely not right in book land. I would have investigated further right then, but it's not like I didn't have my own stuff to deal with.  
  
So much strange stuff happened that year. Cordelia went blind, Principal Flutie got eaten, everyone's worst nightmares started, well, being real, my science teacher disappeared and I'm pretty sure he was murdered. A couple of kids entered the talent show, and subsequently died. Basically, a whole lotta death. I found out a few years later, that even Buffy had her share.  
  
But I was still alive. And still suspicious. Nothing much happened over the summer, which might have had something to do with Buffy being out of town on vacation. Okay, it almost definitely did. I was actually looking forward to the new school year, if only to figure out what exactly was going on. And to watch Cordelia from afar. She really was amazing back then. Probably still is. I hear she moved to LA to become an actress. When she hits the big time, I'll be able to tell people that I went to high school with her, and was even her slave for a week. But we'll get to that later. It's getting kind of late. I should probably stop for now. I'll hide this under my cot and hope that Andrew doesn't go snooping. I'm not sure what he would do if he found it, but I don't really want to find out. Even though Warren is dead, I think he can still tell Andrew what to do. Luckily, he needs me until we get back to Sunnydale and do what we have to do. Until then, I think I'm safe. I know he'll turn on me the first chance he gets, but hopefully I can do some good before that. Something to fix this mess we've made. God, how do you fix this? People are dead. This can't be fixed. But maybe it could be made better. Or at least less bad. Who knows. I'm gonna sleep now. I'll continue tomorrow night. And maybe I'll write about the girls in our nightmares. And the prophecy, once I translate it. I really should have taken Spanish in high school. 


	2. Something's Up

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I'm even borrowing this computer. Spoilers: Everything except the last few episodes. Thanks for the comments, guys. Encouragement helps me write.  
  
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Today Andrew finally admitted that he's been feeling it too. This strong urge to go back to Sunnydale. The dreams have been more intense lately, so I'm guessing something will be going down soon.  
  
I tried to talk to him when he was in a reasonable state of mind. Well, okay, when he was drunk. The problem is, I always end up getting drunk first, so the conversations tend to turn into heated debates about the virtues, or lack thereof, of Timothy Dalton or Agent Under Fire on Playstation versus Gamecube. God, I miss my video games. Mexico is so boring. Well, besides the gallons of tequila and the frequent threats from men about 5 times my size, who speak like 2 words of English. Okay, I miss everything about Sunnydale before I turned to the dark side. I even miss high school. It's weird how you don't get what you have until you're trapped south of the border.  
  
Okay, I know I'm rambling, but it's nice to put my thoughts down even if no one ever reads them. I can't talk to Andrew anymore without wondering exactly what's going on just beneath the surface.  
  
I heard him talking to Warren again tonight. The weird thing is, I could almost imagine Warren there, on the other side of the conversation. I'm starting to wonder if Andrew isn't actually seeing him. Maybe some sort of residual Sunnydale thing. I don't really know if it's possible to grow up there and ever get away from it. Some things you just can't pretend never happened. I can't ever pretend that monsters aren't real, or I'm not responsible for horrible things. I know that. I think that maybe jail isn't even good enough. In my perfect world, I'll be able to prove that I can do good to them. Willow will know that I am sorry for everything, and I really didn't mean to hurt Tara. But this isn't a perfect world. Hell, even my perfect world wasn't perfect. And this can't be fixed easily or quickly. I didn't really need those years of therapy to realize that. I just had to have one conversation with Buffy to know that. She makes these huge choices every day and has to protect the world without getting anything in return. She protected me even though I had caused her so much pain. She's helped me so many times, and all I did was help cause her pain.  
  
I am responsible for Tara dying. Okay, I didn't shoot her, Warren solely to blame on that account, but I also didn't do anything to stop it. Willow, if you ever read this, I know I should have done something. I should have faced up to Warren. Instead, I backed down. He was just a bully, like so many others, but I did nothing. I was so scared. I know it means nothing, but I knew that he would kill me. And I don't want to die. I'm just human, after all. But I'm past that now. I know that I have to go back and help. I know that it might kill me to return, but I have to do it. If only to make it up to Willow. I honestly never meant to hurt anyone. It was all just a game, and then it wasn't, but I couldn't get out.  
  
Andrew's having the dream again. It looks like it's even worse tonight. I don't even want to go to sleep anymore. So I'll sit here with my little flashlight and try to lead you up to the events of the past few months.  
  
Where was I? Oh yeah, back to school and curious about Buffy. Well, when Buffy came back from vacation she was different. She could have passed for another Harmony. A much prettier and, well, bitchier Harmony. She was so different, and I still have no idea exactly what happened. The rumor was that the near death experience she had before summer had freaked her out a lot. I even heard that she actually died and Xander had to bring her back with CPR. I didn't believe it back then, but now I'm not so sure. It seems as if she's always on the brink of death.  
  
I guess this is about the time that Cordelia always seemed to be hanging around the others. This made my job easier, and, well, distracting at the same time. I guess to everyone who noticed me (all 3 of them) it looked like I was stalking Cordelia or something, but really I wasn't. Well, okay, sometimes. Mostly I was watching the other three.  
  
I was so glad that I hid the flyer for Parent-Teacher night from my parents. I heard that Spike showed up and killed some people. Spike scares the crap out of me. I guess he wouldn't be so scary if Warren hadn't been so afraid of him. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.  
  
So some weird stories started to float around school about Buffy. There were rumors that she had fought against a biker gang high on PCP. Ordinarily, that kind of story would be laughed at, especially after seeing how small Buffy is, but in Sunnydale, well, it wouldn't be the first time something like that's happened. Maybe just the first time anyone lived to tell about it. I believed the biker gang story for a while, until I found out Spike was there, then I just assumed it had actually been vampires.  
  
Which, by the way, vampires are REAL?! Yeah, I know I sound like a crazy person, but it's true. If you're reading this and you've been to Sunnydale, I know you have some idea what I'm talking about. The whole "vampires are real" concept pretty much explains everything in that town.  
  
Where was I? Oh yeah, so the school gossip about that incident went on for a while. People started to come up with theories about Buffy. She was an undercover cop, she was a government spy, she was a ninja (okay, Andrew still believes this last one, even though he denies it). I guess her being some sort of prophetic superhero type person isn't any more or less believable. Just true.  
  
Okay, before you decide that I'm a crazy person, let me get back on track. So a little while later Sunnydale had this exchange program going on with some other schools around the world. Cordelia had some huge Nordic guy staying with her, which made me a little jealous at first, but after seeing how irritated she was at him, I got over it. Buffy also had a student. This really pretty girl from South America or somewhere. I saw her and Xander hanging out a lot and just assumed they were together. Imagine my surprise when she corners me at the Bronze and starts kissing me. I asked her about Xander, but she just kept trying to kiss me. I was just as surprised as everyone else. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about that Xander. I still have no idea what happened there. It was a little surreal. As embarrassing as it is to say, I think I may have passed out afterwards. I really don't remember it too clearly. I guess she went back home right after that. I know Xander was pretty depressed. I would have tried to apologize to him or something, but a few days after that Cordelia actually started talking to me, and I kinda lost focus. 


	3. And the Weirdness Keeps on Coming

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I'm even borrowing this computer.  
  
Spoilers: Everything except the last few episodes.  
  
Thanks for the comments, guys. Encouragement helps me write.  
  
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Cordelia was always one of those girls who dated college guys. Well, I guess every girl I went to high school with would have rather dated a college guy, but she could actually do it. So imagine my surprise when, out of nowhere, she actually starts talking to me. Okay, so it wasn't like she wanted to know anything about me, it was more like letting me get stuff for her, but I did get to be around her and speak to her in public. She would hang out at the Bronze and tell me what kind of drinks to get her. Sure, I had to pay, and I usually had to take the drinks back four or five times until they were correct, but she didn't seem to mind me being all flustered, or being seen in public with me. It was one of the best weeks of my life. I know most people think she's just some vapid prom queen, but a couple of times during that week I got to see how nice she could actually be. It was surreal. But in a good way.  
  
I guess I come off as a complete loser, talking about Cordelia like this when I've never even dated her or anything, but that's just how she was to me back in high school. And, believe it or not, I did have a girlfriend for a while. Okay, it was in camp, but we kissed and stuff. Anyway, I stopped paying so much attention to Cordelia when she started dating Xander, and then she left Sunnydale, and I sort of forgot about her. I did have some other stuff going on, after all.  
  
That year, the weird occurrences in Sunnydale just sort of multiplied. On Halloween, there were a record number of deaths. People said that monsters were running around attacking people. It's probably true. I stayed home on Halloween, so I just heard about it at school. Although, at one point, I heard what I'm pretty sure now was gunshots from the street. Just one more reason to stay inside at night when you live in Sunnydale.  
  
The weirdness continued at career fair. One of the speakers, a cop lady, tried to kill everyone, but ended up only shooting Oz in the arm. I felt bad for him. Oz is one of the only people at school who didn't care how unpopular I was, and would always say hi to me. I wasn't surprised when he started dating Willow. They sort of belonged together. I still don't know what exactly happened later on. Maybe Willow discovered she was gay and that's why they broke up. I don't really know. Anyway, that one was explained as temporary insanity on the part of the cop. It could be true. I get the feeling she was specifically aiming for Buffy, however.  
  
Buffy, if you ever read this, I just wanted to say that you are such an amazing person to be able to deal with all these things trying to attack you all the time, and still be able to have almost a normal life. I know I couldn't do it. I mean, look at me and Andrew- Willow tries to kill us and we run away first chance we get. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be as brave as you or Willow or Xander, but I hope to have the chance to try.  
  
Anyway, there were some more weird experiences that school year. A girl spontaneously combusted in Buffy's class one day. Snakes took over the cafeteria. For an entire day, every single girl in school talked about "how incredibly hot Xander Harris was". That one threw me for a while. I guess it was some kind of spell, but it cracked me up to see how pissed off all the jocks got at Xander. Then Xander went out and joined the swim team. I knew it wouldn't last. I'm not saying that Xander wasn't good enough, just that some people aren't meant to be jocks. Or to be around the mindless school heroes for more than a few minutes without your brain exploding.  
  
And then, at the end of the school year, something big went down, which landed Willow in a wheelchair and resulted in Buffy not being in school for a while. I still don't know what it was, but I'm guessing something demon related.  
  
Wow, I don't think I realized until I started writing this just how much stuff happened to those guys in high school. It's kinda strange, because before Buffy showed up, life seemed pretty boring. I mean, sure you heard stories about people disappearing and lots of deaths resulting from neck trauma, but I think Willow and Xander just ignored it like the rest of us. Then Buffy shows up and it's like they all have this little secretive group where suddenly they're involved in every weird occurrence. I would love to hear what was actually happening one day. Hopefully I'll get the chance. At the rate things are going, it might be possible. Andrew is wavering. He seems to have decided that maybe going back to Sunnydale isn't the craziest thing ever. I don't think he expected it to be as hard as this, considering how easy things were for us before prison. And we thought being in hiding was bad- at least everyone still spoke English. 


	4. Downward Spiral

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I'm even borrowing this computer.  
  
Spoilers: Everything except the last few episodes.  
  
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That summer was probably the worst of my life. My parents were splitting up and I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. I started out my senior year feeling pretty much alone. It just got worse as time went on. If Buffy hadn't been around, it would have ended for me before the year was even over. I guess my wallowing in self pity made me kinda blind to what the others were going through. I still paid attention to Willow and Buffy and their whole little group, but I had all this other bad stuff I was dealing with. Well, it would probably help to explain my downward spiral if I started at the beginning.  
  
Even though they didn't even really know that I existed, I felt this connection with Willow and her friends, because I seemed to be the only one who noticed what was going on with them. I was wrong, of course, but I'll get to that later.  
  
The rumor going around school was that Buffy had killed some girl in the library. I heard it from tons of people, but I refused to believe it. Buffy was a fighter for good. She was in the Starfleet, not a Romulan, dammit. I held to my beliefs even after I found out she had been expelled. Snyder was an idiot. He would have expelled her just based on the rumor that she had been anywhere near the library when something bad happened there. He had it out for her ever since he became principal.  
  
When I asked about Buffy in my best 'I was just wondering, I really don't care what's actually up with her' voice', he told me she had disappeared for a while but she'd be back. I was pretty relieved when I heard about her welcome home party.  
  
Oh yeah, the party. That was a big eye-opener for a lot of people. Practically the whole senior class showed up at Buffy's house. A lot of them didn't really know who she was or even what the party was for, but it was a party not at the Bronze, so they went anyway. About an hour and a half into it, Buffy and her friends get into this huge argument about her leaving or whatever. I didn't really know what to do. A lot of people left, but I had been standing by the food table, so I would have had to go right past the argument to get out the door. It was pretty uncomfortable. I was a little relieved at the break in tension when some people literally crashed through the window and started attacking partygoers. The people who didn't know that things are a little off in Sunnydale before that soon learned. I'm not saying this couldn't happen anywhere, but I'm pretty sure the crashers were zombies. As in dead. As in cold dead flesh moving around, all Bruce Campbell-like. It was a crazy night. Rumors exploded around school, and by then pretty much all the seniors knew that Buffy was different. Sort of special.  
  
Even though I had told people before that that something weird was up with Buffy, no one ever listens to me. They pretty much only noticed me if I was blocking their locker or something. And then they'd say something like "outta the way" and go right back to pretending I didn't exist. I'm not saying that high school was a breeze for everyone else, but at the time I felt like I was the loser of the school and I'd never be anything else. I was so caught up in my own stuff that I didn't realize that everyone was having trouble. And, mor importantly, after it's over, high school pretty much stops mattering. The people who seemed so great in high school pretty much fade into the woodwork later. Then there's Willow and Buffy and all them. They seemed kinda outside the high school scene and not really all that huge, but they were the most important people in Sunnydale, possibly in the world. Seriously. They are always saving it, after all.  
  
Right about then this new girl showed up, Faith. She wasn't a student, but Buffy was always hanging around her. I heard some of the guys talking about her, and I got the impression that she was kinda slutty. I didn't ever really meet her, but there was definitely something up with her. You can't just break right into that little group without having something extra going on. I still don't know exactly how she fit into the group, but she was only there for a little while, then, one day, she was just gone. I guess she moved again or something, I don't really know. I wish I could have found out what was special about her. I would have liked to know how she was so easily accepted by such a close group of friends. It was odd.  
  
So one night I was hanging out at home with my mom when she started acting kinda weird. She said she had to go out, and I, being the curious person that I am, followed her. It was the strangest thing. She ended up at the Bronze, and I'm pretty sure she'd never been there before in her life. She started drinking and flirting and doing some very un-momlike things. It took me a while to realize that most of the people at the Bronze that night were over 40 and acting like, well, I would say teenagers, but I definitely never acted like that. It was like a city-wide midlife crisis. And right in the middle of it was, of course, a perplexed looking Willow and Buffy. And Snyder. That was the part that freaked me out. As soon as I saw Snyder hanging around Buffy like they were the best of friends, I knew something apocalypsey was up, and I got out of there and left it to the professionals. That seriously messed with my head. Snyder. Weird.  
  
Anyway, that was when things started going downhill for Buffy, Willow, Xander, and, well, me. Not that my problems had anything to do with theirs. Theirs were more of the relationship variety. According to the kids at school, Cordelia had found Xander and Willow in a compromising position. I like to think that Willow was still very Willow-like back then, and they were just kissing. I refuse to believe it was anything more. I know that she had a crush on Xander way back when we were still friends, so I wasn't completely surprised.  
  
Their relationships kinda fell apart. They all got kinda quieter and depressed around school. Cordelia had been in the hospital for some kinda stomach thing, a bug or something, I guess, and when she got back to school she was just as depressed as the rest of them. Except, this time, her former friends (Harmony and clones) didn't take her back. They were the worst when it came to making fun of her. For the first time in my life, I felt sorry for Cordelia, and that's probably what pushed me over the edge more than anything else. I mean, if life couldn't be perfect for her, then what the hell do the rest of us have to look forward to? 


	5. The Good Fight

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I'm even borrowing this computer.  
  
Spoilers: Everything except the last few episodes.  
  
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That Christmas it snowed. That was probably the weirdest thing that's ever happened in Sunnydale. I mean, seriously, snow in Southern California? Weird. And not like paranormal weird, just plain weather weird. Well, okay, hellmouth. I guess it coulda been paranormal weird. Anyway, it freaked me out. The thing was, for a while after that things were a little better. Everyone was nicer and just generally happier. But only for a little while. Then things turned to shit again.  
  
Well, maybe not for Xander. He did get this really cool car for a little while. I think girls may have actually started insulting him a little less then. It's funny how dating Cordelia got him nothing, but a car made him a little less losery. Well, to the shallow girls at least. Which, at Sunnydale High, seemed to be about 99 percent of them.  
  
As Xander's life was getting marginally better, mine was getting a whole hell of a lot worse. I guess I was sort of on a downward spiral. My parents didn't even talk to each other anymore. They didn't even talk through me. It was like I didn't exist anymore. I heard one time that parents, when they split up, tend to show the kids too much affection and buy them lots of stuff to sort of "win" them, but with mine it was like once the marriage was over, anything that had come with it no longer applied. Which included me. Not that I wasn't used to it. I had been practically clinging on Buffy and Xander and Willow for three years and they had yet to acknowledge my existence more than a "hey" when I was thrust upon them. I was like the invisible boy. Well, not actually, because then I'd be that girl who was, well, invisible my sophomore year. Very weird.  
  
Anyway, at that point in time I was sort of building up anger about my assigned place in life. I figured if I didn't exist to anyone else, why exist at all? I know it was kind of a crazy way of thinking now, but at the time it totally made sense. I was just so angry. At my parents, at the students, even at Willow and Xander. They used to be, if not my friends, at least in my general group. And now I didn't exist, even to them. I know this probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it made sense to me at the time. I got so crazed that I stole my dad's gun and started carrying it around in my backpack. I know, how cliché. But I wasn't gonna use it to start a school massacre or anything, I just wanted to know that I could end it at any time. I had the power over my own existence. I guess it was just good timing when I decided to use that control.  
  
Just as I reached the end of my rope, Buffy showed up. I wasn't thinking to clearly, and Buffy sorted it out for me. She showed me that I wasn't invisible, it's just that everyone else was dealing with their stuff, so they tended to focus on what was directly in front of them. While I was sitting there thinking that I had the monopoly on inner turmoil, everyone else was thinking the same thing. It was so obvious, yet I totally missed it. I guess sometimes you lose perspective. Can't see the forest for the trees, and all that. Buffy saved my life. Buffy, if you ever read this, thank you again. I know that you're probably wishing you had let me end it all right there, after what has happened, but I also hope that maybe one day you won't. Maybe I'll be able to give you a reason that makes what you did a good thing. Maybe you didn't let another monster slip away.  
  
God, I hope I can fix things.  
  
Anyway, after that I went into therapy. I was in it for about two years, until my therapist got killed by a vampire. It happens. So my being in therapy gave me something, well, I guess it gave me whatever Xander's car had given him. And I actually got a date to prom. It definitely helped my self esteem issues to get an actual live girl to go with me to prom. Especially since that was before I met Warren and could have had a date built. But I'll talk about that later.  
  
So I actually went to my senior prom with a cute girl. She was like a foot taller than me, but she didn't seem to mind. I think she might have even had a good time. I know I did. I spent the whole night dancing and psyching myself up for when I would have to take the stage. I found out about a week before that I would be presenting an award. Our school had the usual awards ceremony, you know, Class Clown, Most Likely to Succeed, etcetera. It was stupid stuff mostly. No one really took it too seriously. Well, not as seriously as Prom Queen or Homecoming Queen, anyway. But my senior year half the ballots had write-ins on them for a new category. I had written in "Class Hero", but they decided to go with a phrase that they got from, of all people, Harmony. So when the time came around, I got to present Buffy with an award for "Class Protector". It was a good moment. Probably the best of my high school career. I knew, probably more than anyone else, what a protector she was. I know that there's no way to repay her for all she's done, but at that moment I got to at least give her something.  
  
It was a good prom.  
  
But, of course, the good times never last long in Sunnydale. So I found out a week and a half later that the Mayor was planning on killing the senior class on graduation day. Which was so not cool. My class managed to have the lowest mortality rate of any Sunnydale High class ever, and he was gonna just kill us all right at the end. I don't think so.  
  
So the rest of the class kind of felt the same way, and we acknowledged Buffy's power as an entire group one more time in order to take down the Mayor.  
  
Weapons were passed around and every single senior was given a role. It was full on battle, and we were fighting for our right to have normal lives, even when being forced to grow up in that town. We knew that some of us wouldn't make it, but we also knew that it was the first time everyone had acknowledged the existence of evil in Sunnydale as a group. And that had to count for something. It had to lead to something good. And I think it did. A few students didn't show up, which was valid. I wouldn't have either, except I knew that I owed it Buffy and Willow and Xander to back them up and try to help them at least once. I think most of the students felt that way. This was our way of repaying them for all the times they halped us, as well as taking our town back from the dark side. We were the good guys, and the good guys always win.  
  
There were a few casualties. I think Larry got killed. The Mayor ate Principal Snyder, which was weird, but, well, sort of fitting. He went down with the school. Kinda appropriate. I jumped right into the fray. Cordelia staked a vampire, then I got the next one. Harmony got bitten, but she was okay- I saw her later on walking around the UC Sunnydale campus. It was a huge battle, but we survived. I survived. I never thought I would be a part of something that major. It kinda gave me perspective, you know. Kinda made me see how big some things are, and how much some things don't even matter.  
  
I thought that would be the end of it. I was free. I could move on and be a normal person in the normal world- pretend monsters weren't real and Buffy had just been some girl in my high school class.  
  
I was wrong. 


	6. Learning and Rebuilding

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I'm even borrowing this computer.  
  
Spoilers: Everything except the last few episodes.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
A little bit more before I go to sleep. The sun should be coming up soon, and I need to talk to Andrew about the dreams when he wakes up. It's almost time.  
  
God. Sunnydale. I thought being away would give me perspective, but all it told me was that life is screwed up. I already knew that.  
  
So I graduated high school, or rather, made it out alive. My relatives would all joke with me at family functions. "Hey, you made it out of high school alive!" I would just laugh politely. A few of them went to Sunnydale High though. They would say congratulations and leave it at that. Sort of an unspoken relief that the monsters didn't get another one. They got two of my cousins and a few of my uncle's friends. But that's not important. What's important is that I started college with a new sense of freedom that had nothing to do with finally moving out of my parents' house.  
  
My little stunt with the gun kept me from being able to go away for college, but I did get accepted to the University of California at Sunnydale. Big surprise. UC Sunnydale will take anyone just to keep enrollment from disappearing along with all of its "missing" students. I was still in therapy and dealing with residual high school issues. I'm surprised I didn't see more people from high school in my groups. I guess denial goes a long way in a place like Sunnydale. Anyway, things were going alright and I was dealing, but I wasn't making any friends.  
  
I don't know why I thought that college would be any different from high school. The popular people were still popular. Well, okay, or dead. And Sunnydale was minus one Cordelia Chase. I always knew she wasn't cut out for the college thing. She was meant for something better than a lot of us. Actually, I think all of them were. Even Xander was above the rest of us in a way. He did horribly in school, but in life he was dealing with more important things. That's what matters in the end. It's not the frat parties you go to, it's the lives you save. Not the money you make, but the kind of friends you have. I didn't know that then. Well, I kinda did, but I was still looking for an easy fix.  
  
After spending half the year being as ignored as I'd been in high school, I took matters into my own hands. One of the guys in my group told me about this spell that would make me popular and successful. I'd been dabbling in magick ever since my sophomore year of high school, so I knew I could pull it off.  
  
I didn't know that being successful would mean I'd take Buffy's place. If I had thought about it for a minute, I probably would have realized that in Sunnydale, being successful meant having the most power, and all the power at that time belonged to Buffy. So our paths crossed again. I hadn't seen Buffy in a while, but when I did the spell, I just sort of knew everything that had been going on in her life. I knew about her boyfriend and the whole Faith issue, which still seems a little bizarre. Well, it all seems bizarre to me now. The thing about the spell was, once it was broken, everything went back to normal and everyone just sorta forgot that it ever happened, me included. For a few weeks my head kinda felt too light for my body. It was kinda like that time there was a gas leak in the high school and everyone was kinda dazed for a while. It all seemed a little unreal. I'm not sure why, but I wrote down everything about the experience that I could remember in my journal before it all slipped away.  
  
I know this doesn't make up for a lot, but I do think I was learning. I learned enough to know that this was important. It was important for me to know that it hadn't worked. The quick fix had ended up falling apart after awhile. So I did listen to you, Buffy. I heard everything you said to me and tried to live my life differently. I started looking for more long term solutions, even if they would take hard work.  
  
I threw myself into my classes and tried to start meeting people. I went to some parties on campus, and even had a few dates. It was better than it had been in awhile. The problem was, the people I met I couldn't really relate to. They were all about partying and having a good old college time, while I was concerned about monsters trying to eat me at night and learning some new spells and stuff. Plus, they never really got why Star Wars is one of the defining films of our culture, or why the sci-fi genre in general is so critical, especially in a town like Sunnydale.  
  
And then I met Andrew. 


	7. The Tables Turn

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I'm even borrowing this computer.  
  
Spoilers: Everything except the last few episodes.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Meeting Andrew was an eye-opener for me. It was the first time that I had a friend who just respected me for what I was and chose to hang out with me. He pretty much had it as rough as I did in high school. Although, instead of trying to kill himself, he tried to take out his frustrations on the people who caused them. I hear that the reason he sent those flying monkeys to attack the school play was because he lost some stupid chorus role in one of the like three plays that they actually put on while I went there. I never saw it. After the lame talent show sophomore year, I stopped going to drama stuff. I only went to that because Cordelia was in it. I have to say, much as I like her, her talent does not lie in singing. She should stick to acting.  
  
Anyway, I met Andrew at the end of my freshman year of college. We had some computer classes together, and we got to talking about one of the assignments. After that we talked about other stuff. After a two hour long conversation about the merits of Nicholas Lea as a bad guy in film and tv, our friendship was pretty much sealed. We started hanging out in Andrew's basement, playing Bond on the PS2 and just generally goofing off. It was fun to have someone to do that stuff with. He was my first, and so far only, best friend.  
  
I'm not saying all of this so anyone will feel sorry for me. I kinda just wanted Willow to know that it didn't start out bad. It started out good. It even stayed good for a long time. Warren's big idea is what made it bad, but I'll get to that later.  
  
So things were going well for me by the end of the year. I'd see Willow and Buffy around campus. I had a different schedule than them, so I didn't see them too often. Every once in awhile Willow and Oz would say hi or even talk to me for a few minutes. Oz was still as cool as he was in high school. I don't think he ever changed. Even the werewolf thing didn't affect him that much. Although, I guess that might have had something to do with Tara showing up later on. I never found out the whole story, but I got the impression that things between Willow and Oz didn't exactly end on a happy note.  
  
Freshman year at UC Sunnydale was pretty similar to high school. The only differences were Andrew and a higher rate of disappearances and mysterious deaths. I also saw more demony things crawling around campus. I never seemed to see the same ones twice, though, so I guess Buffy was doing a good job. Well, and the Initiative. I'm still not sure exactly what that was, but I have a bunch of notes about it from when I created that alternate reality. Apparently Buffy's boyfriend, Riley, had something to do with it. I'm not too clear on that one. He seemed a little too "All- American" to be into anything covert. But hey, I doubt anyone would have anticipated me and Andrew being super-criminals. Warren, on the other hand, was always meant to be one.  
  
Well, I guess this is about the time Warren comes into the story. Andrew and I met Warren at the end of the summer after freshman year. We went to one of Andrew's brother's poker games to hang out. Tucker had just gotten out of jail for an incident at prom where he tried to kill all of the students (good for me that he didn't succeed- Buffy foils yet another plan), and he got his old group of friends together to play some poker and basically just start having fun again. Warren was there with his girlfriend, playing a little poker, but mostly just hanging out and talking to her. I guess they couldn't have privacy at his parents' house.  
  
I should have known something was up with him as soon as I met his girlfriend, April. She was a little too attentive to his needs. She pretty much worshipped the ground he walked on. Warren's (er, was) a cool guy and all, but this girl went above and beyond.  
  
In one of the rare moments when she wasn't jumping his bones, Andrew and I talked to him and discovered that we all liked the same things. We decided then and there to start a weekly poker game in Andrew's basement. Warren was back in Sunnydale pretty much every weekend, and Andrew and I didn't really have standing Saturday night dates, so we started our ritual of playing cards and video games, and just hanging out.  
  
So, by the end of the summer after freshman year, I had two good friends. It was this whole new experience for me. I relaxed a bit and started doing better at school. Basically, life was just better in general.  
  
You know that theory that if one thing gets better, another gets worse? Well, I started to suspect that my life was somehow connected to Buffy's right then. As soon as my life improved, hers began to suck, and I mean post-haste. Her sophomore year of college was the complete opposite of mine. Of course, by junior year they both sort of merged, but first thing's first.  
  
Sophomore year was when everything changed for the little group from high school. Xander hadn't really been in the group ever since they went away to college, but that was only the first problem. Another push towards the edge was when Willow came out. Who knew? I was definitely surprised. Her and Oz had seemed so happy and in love. Sure, that ended badly, but it was still kind of a shock. I guess when she and Tara got together and started hanging out and doing spells, she just realized that she was gay. I assume Tara had known she was gay for awhile. I hadn't ever seen her with any boys around campus. I had noticed her before Willow only because she was possibly the only person on campus more withdrawn than I was when I started. I'm glad someone else noticed her, although it was sort of annoying how quickly she became part of the group.  
  
Who knew that all you had to do to be accepted was to have the hormonal connection? 


	8. Up and Down

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I'm even borrowing this computer.  
  
Spoilers: Everything except the last few episodes.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
So I heard this really funny rumor about that time that Dracula was in Sunnydale. Like the real Dracula. The Count. Famous vampire guy. Whom I, silly me, thought was just some old horror novel. So, I'm thinking the novel was based on the real guy. Which is kinda cheap, if you think about it. I mean, not creative at all. Anyway, I felt kinda cheated. But I guess I'm getting off topic.  
  
So about this time my life was going pretty good, like I said before, and Buffy's just seemed to start getting weird. I guess maybe I started paying more attention since I wasn't just kinda focused all on me, but I can point out at least two or three completely out there occurrences. Well, okay, example number one. I was walking down Main one day, and I see Xander talking on the phone. Normally, I wouldn't really care, but he looked kinda freaked out. So I was standing there wondering if I should help him or something, and then I see Xander walk by. Like, another Xander, in completely different clothes. So my first thought is time travel. But there's really no way to test that that doesn't get me too involved. I was also considering cloning. Like maybe the aliens really are going to take over the earth in ten years and clones are already amongst us. Anyway, I followed him, just to make sure that he didn't come into contact with himself and make the universe cease to exist or something. I still don't really know what happened. I had to fall back when Buffy and Willow and the others showed up at his future apartment. All I know is, the next day there was just the one Xander again. So either they sent him back to his reality or they killed him. And personally, I don't think they would kill him. Because, you know, protect the innocent and all that.  
  
There was this other instance, I'll call it exhibit B, which involved a troll destroying the Bronze and half the town. I guess Buffy took care of it, but she seemed kinda off her game. I mean, usually the Bronze doesn't get destroyed that much. Or, at least, the catwalk stays, you know, catwalky rather than crumbled debris trapping victims, which it kinda was. I think this is about the time I noticed Spike hanging around.  
  
I knew who Spike was from when he attacked the high school, and pretty much every other week when he would cause some havoc, plus I wrote to myself about him a little that time I did the spell, but this time he seemed a little too chummy. Like trying to be nice chummy. Weird. He was helping out with the troll, and I even saw him playing pool with Buffy a few weeks later. It freaked me out a little bit. I mean, vampires are evil and all. Well, vampires except that Angel guy, right? Maybe it's a weird slayer thing. Like thrall. She has thrall that controls the vampires. Whatever, I don't really know, but we'll get into that later when I tell you about the Trio's meeting with William the Bloody.  
  
First thing's first- Buffy's crappy year.  
  
One thing I would like to say is, if you're reading this Buffy, I am so sorry about your mom. I know that, in my own way, I have been responsible for taking a life, and I wish so much that it were different. I can't imagine what it must be like for you when all you know is to protect people, and then you lose the person closest to you. I met her a few times, and she was really nice.  
  
But I'm sure my condolences don't mean a whole lot. I know Katrina's family wouldn't care about my compassion.  
  
But I'm not trying to complain or go off topic, I swear. Anyway, I heard that Buffy's sister was involved in something. These weird medieval guys were looking for her. People said they were knights, but I don't think knights are still around. Maybe they came from the alternate Xander reality. I have no idea. I do know that Willow and Tara started being way more serious than usual. They were always kind of on edge, like they were waiting for something. And then weird occurrence number three happened. This was the weirdest of the weird.  
  
Tara lost her mind. Okay, maybe not lost her mind, I mean she was still walking and talking, but it was like she wasn't there. She was just kinda vacant. Actually, a lot of people in Sunnydale started getting the vacant look about them. But with Tara it was the worst, because I kinda knew her and then she was just gone. Which, of course, makes what just happened all the worst, but let me stay in the past for a bit.  
  
So Tara's a little on the insane side, and then there's some kind of showdown which results in Tara coming back, but Buffy being gone. Like dead gone, supposedly, but I don't know how that can be since she was back a few months later. Of course, in the meantime there was Warren's creation.  
  
Okay, I don't mean to make light of the whole "Buffy was dead" thing, but I still don't know exactly what happened there, whereas with Warren and his robots I was pretty much in the midst.  
  
See, here's the thing. A guy gets lonely. Some guys, when they get lonely, try to go out and meet people. Some guys, like Warren, decide to use their intelligence to create their own people. I know it's wrong, but when you're that lonely, you don't really think straight. I mean, I was going to kill myself because of my loneliness. How is what Warren did any crazier?  
  
His problem was that he started dating Katrina and thought that his creation would just go away. I don't know why he didn't just reprogram it. It seems like it would have been simpler to take care of it, rather than just leave it. Especially when returning to someplace like Sunnydale, where anything that can go wrong will, and to a spectacular degree.  
  
So Warren's robot comes looking for him, and Warren gets to meet Buffy firsthand. I think that might be when Warren started to hate her. He's really good at holding grudges when he gets his mind set on it, and, no offense Buffy, but you do have a way of messing up every evil plan. But in a good way.  
  
So then Spike shows up in the basement and wants Warren to build him a Buffybot. Which is, well, kinda icky. And most definitely weird. At the time we thought it was some evil plan, but now I think it was residual thrall or something. I mean, he was acting like someone with a crush, but he's like evil vampire guy, so it just doesn't add up.  
  
It got even weirder when Buffy came back. 


	9. Goodbye Mexico

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously. I'm even borrowing this computer.  
  
Spoilers: Everything except the last few episodes.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Okay, so here's the thing. I did what I had to do. I know that in the beginning I started out as a super villain. Okay, a regular villain- we all know that I'll never be larger than life, as it were. Then I got trapped. I was fighting for my survival when I should have been fighting for what was right, but I've never been one of Buffy's friends. They fight for what's right every day without fail, and then here I come, thinking that I can just be evil in an unharmful way, and I end up indirectly causing one of the good guys to die and one of the good guys to be filled with so much anger that she turned bad. Well, bad for the good guys, which kinda just meant killing other bad guys. Vengeance is powerful, but I should have been stronger. I know that now. I probably knew that then, but I was caught up in trying to get back at everyone who had ever doubted me or put me down. But now it's all in the past. I'm not angry anymore. I think enough time has passed that I just kinda feel grateful to even be a part of something so huge that almost no one else in the world knows about. I mean, when you think about it, Andrew and I are pretty special. We're two of like twenty people in the entire world who don't go around at night with blinders on.  
  
So after Buffy came back everyone was different. Kinda antsy and depressed. I guess a lot of stuff was going on with them, but being outside of their circle and having my own stuff to deal with, I never really found out too much. The Trio decided to give Buffy some tests to see who could rattle her more. I think I did the best job, but of course everyone wanted themselves to win. So it ended up a tie. Anyway, Warren did this cool thing where he made time kinda wonky for Buffy, but no one around her was affected. It really freaked her out. I did something kinda similar, but I think I drove her more insane. Anyway, I did make her quit her job. My thought was "what if you had to live the same ten minutes over and over again?" You would freak out, right? Well, she freaked out a little, but then she figured it out. She's pretty smart that way. Then lame-o Andrew just summoned these demons. I mean, sure, he got her fired, but really, doesn't she fight demons like every day? It kinda sucked. But Warren awarded him a lot of points. It should have been my first indication that I was still the outsider, but I was happy enough to ignore it all.  
  
So we continued to mess with Buffy when she got in the way. Well, at least, that's what Warren said. The first time we did it was because she was getting too close, being at the bank the same time we sent someone to rob it. What a weird coincidence. If we had known she was having money problems we probably would have robbed it after it was closed or something.  
  
Oh. Here's where things get really weird. Even for Sunnydale. So one day we're all sitting around in the lair watching tv, and Andrew busts out with a song all about how great he thinks Warren is. So I'm all "what the hell?", but then I start singing backup. It was so weird. I'm thinking spell, but rumor is it was a demon. All I know is I sang a total of eight times, and all of them were on key. It was kinda cool. Except for that guy who burst into flames while dancing to my seventh song. That was weird. And kinda smelly.  
  
Nothing quite as strange as that happened again, but I wouldn't have noticed because the stress levels were getting majorly high when I was around Warren, which was pretty much all the time. He decided that we had to stick close to the lair since Buffy was onto us. And then the thing with Katrina happened.  
  
I know that Katrina's death looks bad for me, but Buffy, if you're reading this, it wasn't my fault. Or Andrew's. But we were a part of something pretty bad involving her.  
  
We found a way to control people's minds and make them do whatever we wanted. Warren wanted to use it on Buffy to get her off our trail (or other reasons, but let's not contemplate), but he had to test it first. So he went out one night with us watching from a safe distance, and tested it. Unfortunately, he ran into Katrina and sorta lost it. He decided that he would just force her to do what he wanted. I think he was still in love with her and kinda pissed about how the whole April thing went down.  
  
So later on she snaps out of it long enough to realize what he's doing, then the device stops working, then Warren kinda flips. I'm sure it was an accident, I mean, I don't think Warren was evil yet, but he ended up killing Katrina. Andrew and I were kinda dazed, so we went along with his plan to get Buffy to think she'd done it.  
  
Of course, that wore off and Buffy knew it wasn't her fault, but by then the damage was done. I was trapped. It was hard, since they were the only people who had ever fully accepted me, and now I couldn't trust them. Andrew decided that getting away with murder was cool, and Warren decided he wouldn't let me out of his sight. Especially since we knew Buffy would come right for us, after the invisibility debacle that went on a few days earlier. Buffy knew who we were and that we were up to something, but she didn't know the extent of it. I don't think any of us did until we were right there in it.  
  
Then it all went to hell. Well, it was almost there already, but then Andrew and I got caught. Warren had decided I was getting in the way, so he planned for an escape route from a heist via jetpacks that only he and Andrew wore. Unfortunately for him, Andrew's jetpack malfunctioned. I wonder sometimes if Warren had something to do with that. I guess I'll never know now.  
  
So Andrew and I were arrested and Warren was on his own. I guess this is when he snapped, and well, you know, did all the things that he did right before Willow killed him.  
  
You guys know the rest of the story, and I'm not even gonna try to defend myself about that part. I was fighting for my survival again by fleeing to Mexico, but now it's time to fight for my redemption.  
  
It's getting close. I think we'll have to leave tomorrow. I heard Andrew talking to Warren again last night, and it sounds like things are getting more serious. I'm scared that Andrew will listen too much to this imaginary Warren, but I have faith that things will turn out all right.  
  
In the end, the good guys always win and the bad guys are always redeemed. It all has to turn out okay.  
  
It has to, because if it doesn't.  
  
Well, let's not think about that. I'm gonna mail this to a safe place on the way back, so I know that it will get to Willow after I'm finished doing everything I have to do. I guess I'll be seeing everyone in a few days. It's gonna be hard, but I'll get through it. I always do.  
  
-Jonathan 


End file.
